How to Move Past the Hurt and Love Again

“Why did she take him back?” was the resounding question after I shared my family’s reunion on social media.

The next logical question followed? “How could I possibly trust him again?”

Although I’ve always considered myself to be a bold person, I’m learning the importance, even more now, to be led by my desires, not my fears.

I desire to live happily ever after, with my husband, while keeping our family intact. So, that’s my focus.

That’s what I am manifesting.

Like you, our reconciliation came as a surprise to me as well.

Aundre moved to Houston during our separation.

And when he decided to pay us a surprise visit in LA, his arrival was not welcomed.

My mom made it clear that he could not enter her home, and I had no interest in seeing him either.

I was an exhausted single mom of two babies, trying to plan my new life without him.

Still, our son missed his dad tremendously.

Although I didn’t care to see Aundre, I would never keep our children from having a relationship with him.

So, I slapped on a happy face and pretended to be excited about Aundre’s visit — for our kids.

Little did I know, his unexpected arrival was to convince me to move to Houston with him.

He rented an SUV and was ready to load up the trunk.

Annoyed by his confidence, my response was a soft laugh followed by a firm, “no thanks.”

The ego of a man, some will risk playing in the street with dirty dogs, only to find themselves wanting to go home after learning the grass isn’t always greener. Sometimes it’s greener, because it’s fake.

Hurt with a bruised ego; I couldn’t imagine ever taking him back.

What I envisioned and sought pleasure in was having him see me happily married to husband #2. I thought that was the sweetest revenge.

But, vengeance is the Lord’s, and God has other plans for us.

After a breakup, you have to train your eyes to not see your ex, as the same person you saw before.

My husband was now a stranger to me. I avoided saying his name.

He was not the person I knew or loved.

But, after a weekend of family fun, and peace with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I started to see him as the Aundre I knew: the southern gentleman from Houston, who was passionate about family, authentic, protective, and knew how to make me laugh.

As the weekend came to an end, Aundre prepared to leave.

While putting his bags in the rental car, he began to cry, our son sobbed, and I held back my tears.

Pride and fear left me standing there with a stoic face.

Internally, I didn’t want him to leave us.

I didn’t want to raise our children without him.

I wanted my family back as much as he did. But, I was too hurt to admit it.

For months, we talked on the phone day and night.

Slowly, the conversation moved from only talking about the kids to talking about us.

We prayed together and discussed how things could be different, the second time around.

Our marriage was suffering in other areas before it finally erupted.

We lacked conflict resolution skills and didn’t know how to fight fairly.

We struggled to find time alone with a newborn, there were financial constraints, and we didn’t take the time needed to prepare for marriage.

Neither of us were ready.

Aundre proposed on a Sunday evening, and we married the next day.

We were in love, but clueless about the selflessness it takes to have a healthy marriage.

But, this time around, Aundre had a clear plan for us, and I liked it.

Slowly, my defenses dropped, and I headed to Houston.

Now, here we are: Happily married.

We are falling back in love, learning to fight fairly and praying together.

We are forgiving each other and having patience for one another.

Getting here hasn’t been easy.

We were separated now for more than a year.

When I came back, old mistresses didn’t want to let go and made their desperate attempts, after learning about our reconciliation.

An unexpected call from an old lover can ruin all your efforts to repair your marriage, if you’re not prepared.

I wasn’t ready.

A text or phone call from an old fling would send me over the edge, and I would go into fight-or-flight mode. Still afraid of being hurt.

I didn’t trust Aundre, and I would hang his affair over his head with every argument.

That’s not loving.

I didn’t realize how destructive shaming was until we were sitting in church, and Pastor Joel Osteen gave a sermon about it.

I remember him saying:

When God speaks to you, He will always lift you. But, the enemy will shame you, accuse you and place doubt in your heart.

I felt so convicted.

I was the accuser and fear of being betrayed again was making me the enemy.

We use shame to convince people to do better, but really, shame does just the opposite.

Your past doesn’t have to poison your future.

What’s happened in our marriage is not nearly as important as what’s happening right now.

Where God is taking us is more significant than where we have been.

To forgive, I had to let go of all the heavy baggage.

It was easier to do when I was still living in LA, and Aundre wasn’t in my face every day.

Face your fears by reprogramming your thoughts. To heal, quit replaying the bad memories and change the channel.

The Bible says: think pure thoughts.

God will give you beauty for ashes. But, you have to let go of the ashes to get the reward. This exchange has to take place.

So, I gave my husband the gift of forgiveness — the gift of trust.

Together we are walking in faith and defusing doubt.

To get here, we had to stop comparing who hurt who more and start helping each other heal.

Healing is the purpose of this blog and the purpose of our marriage.

Our goal is to break generational curses and strongholds on our family.

A single mom raised me.

Aundre was adopted.

He’s never met his father and didn’t remember what his mother looked like until they reunited a few years ago.

Now, we have our own family and an opportunity to do things right.

Family is the greatest blessing, and it’s worth every fight.

So stay tuned as I detail the process of reconciliation, and manifesting the life that you desire.

Hopefully my transparency will offer you insight, hope, and inspiration.

The best way to improve any relationship is by improving YOURSELF.

Never stop growing.

Look within and win my friends.

Be blessed.

Abortion or Divorce: Why I Chose to Walk with God

By: Jordyn Taylor| Jan. 31, 2019

You have more power than you realize. Don’t think, and don’t worry. If the time comes, you’ll know what to do. It’s in your blood.
– The Incredibles

Imagine, thinking everything in your life is falling into place.

You and your spouse are getting the hang of marriage and parenting.

Finally, you can afford to take the honeymoon you never took.

The holidays are near and you’ve just booked a family trip to spend time with your in-laws in Houston.

And, your family just killed it with Incredible costumes that left many asking: where’s Violet?

Clearly, we needed a girl to add to our Incredible unit!

The universe was talking to me. A baby girl was on the way!

The Incredible Deans

I believe another sign was given the following Sunday at church.

While we were checking Legend out of children’s church, a volunteer asked what we were going to name our daughter, as Legend is a big name follow. Instantly, I said: Legacy! Legend and Legacy.

Later that night, my husband and I spoke about the future and how awesome it would be to have a daughter named Legacy.

We knew she’d be a diva. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, we joked.

After a few laughs, we agreed it would be another 3-4 years before Legacy would join the family. Our hands were already full with Legend being a busy toddler.

After church at The Mosaic

I went to sleep that night smiling at the thought of having my own daughter one day. But, the future was already present.

Days later, I remember zooming into our Halloween photo and noticing a little pudge around my mid-section.

Hmm… I thought: I better scale back on the Halloween candy and cookies I bake for the family.

I was still breastfeeding, so I didn’t have a period.

But then I was hit with fatigue. Why am I so exhausted?

The following Sunday, I had a melt down after my father failed to notify me in advance that he would be in town. My father always does this; it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Still, I sobbed inconsolably. “Daddy, you don’t love me!” I cried over the phone.

My husband comforted me; he was probably thinking I was a crazy woman. Nonetheless, he held me through it.

Later, he and Legend surprised me with flowers before we all took off to meet my father for dinner. My husband was thoughtful like that – always trying to keep me smiling.

The universe kept throwing me signs.

My two piece jumper doesn’t fit? It was hugging in all the right places just a few weeks ago?!

Later that night I thought: what’s wrong with you girl, you’re emotional and gaining weight… Wait, am I pregnant?

After taking several pregnancy tests, I finally accepted the reality that baby number two was on her way.

My best friend and my mom were the first to know. It should’ve been my husband, but I knew it was bad timing and he’d freak out, like always.

He is a stressor. Always worried about finances and making it in Hollywood!

How am I supposed to study my lines for auditions with two babies running around? He contested.

Little did I know, he was already filming his new role, as Pepa’s boy toy in a reality show.

“Growing Up Hip Hop”

That explains the anger and the ugly ultimatum I received from him. After telling him about our surprise pregnancy, he instantly became distant.

It was selfish of me to keep our baby. Abortion, or divorce. Those were my two options.

Things between us grew cold after that. I told him to leave, and astonishingly he did!

Initially, I was devastated and cried all night. But slowly I felt relief.

At least now, I could enjoy my pregnancy and my growing one-year-old son without the negative energy that was looming in our home.

So, I redecorated, watched “War Room” read some Christian marriage books and built a prayer corner in our home.

I thought my husband was just scared. When things didn’t go his way, he’d sometimes threaten to throw in the towel. So, I figured it was another manly temper tantrum.

I was confident he’d come back to the family he loved so much.

Boy, was I wrong!

The man I married was gone.

Shortly after, Pepa decided to let the world know that my husband was her boyfriend on social media while I was 8 months pregnant.

After setting the record straight, I then decided to share my experience with other women and let them know why I chose to preserves my unborn baby’s life in this IG video. I was super pregnant!

Indeed, babies are blessings. But, love does not give ultimatums. Narcissists do!

If you’re in a relationship with someone who gives you ultimatums please understand they don’t love you the way you deserve. That’s not love. It’s control and manipulation.

It took me a while to realize all the ways I had been rearranged.

When you love someone, you want to do things to make them happy. However, it shouldn’t be at the expense of your own happiness.

Plus, a person who truly loves you won’t feel comfortable forcing you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.

True love makes things grow. Its patient, nurturing, and allows you to flourish.

Any love that drains us, or makes strict demands is not true love at all.

I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t loving myself until I got that ultimatum.

But, now more than ever, I knew I had to end my walk with my spouse and begin walking with God.

So, I went to church every Sunday, bible study every Tuesday and listened to Christian podcasts by Steven Furtick, Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyers, or TD Jakes every morning.

By surrounding myself in the word, I was able to walk through the fire and come out not smelling like smoke.

There were times when I questioned and doubted God. Still, I kept showing up in church because I wanted Him to show up in my crumbling life.

But, the Lord was always with me. I just needed to fully let go.

Letting go means standing still and letting your world – or a piece of it – crumble at your feet. It means saying, “I trust you Lord! Let your will be done.”

By releasing it all to God, I’ve learned the true meaning of joy.

Joy is a point of view.

It’s a focus, before it’s a feeling.

Joy comes to my life when I am focused on what God is doing in every moment.

At that time, God was gifting me with a baby girl, that’s where I needed to keep my focus.

If I wasn’t careful, I knew I would miss a wonderful experience.

Often times we miss our joy by looking around, or looking too far ahead. Or by scrolling through Instagram and Facebook looking at other people’s lives.

I want to encourage you to stay present!

Sometimes, I questioned God’s presence. Frustrated and humiliated, I asked, “Where are you?”

He was always present. I wasn’t.

Be present by appreciating the good things that are happening right now.

If you’re depressed, psychologists say, you’re overthinking the past. If you’re feeling anxious, you’re thinking too far in the future. And if you’re at peace, you’re living in the moment.

Tomorrow is never promised. Enjoy each day.

I try to exercise this mentality daily by controlling my thoughts and my focus. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. And focus on all that is good.

No longer do I attach my joy to temporal pleasures, like my job or marriage. I tried that & nearly lost myself!

Today, my joy flows from who God is to me.

God is love!

And He gave me the privilege to have a daughter during one of the worst times in my life.

Having Legacy was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I received something so wonderful in return: true love and strength.

Finally, I understood what is meant by the biblical saying: beauty for ashes. She is my living testimony!

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Unless you give God your ashes (your wounded parts) you don’t get the beauty!

We hold onto our ashes and wonder, “why doesn’t my life change? Where is His beauty?”

Well, where are your ashes?

If you keep holding onto them, He can’t give you His beauty.

My baby girl

Til this day I’m so grateful for the strength and courage God gave me to rock a solo pregnancy, and release the rest to God. I would do it again and again to have her with me.

P.S. Her father loves her.

And, were coparenting in the best way possible!

Every family has a story. This is a part of my testimony. May it help you through one of your trials.

Be blessed, my friends. Walk in love!