How to Stop Complaining and Get the Love You Crave

When I got back with my husband, I had a plethora of demands and complaints.

You spend too much time with your friends.

You work too much.

You’re not putting our marriage first!

All of these things say one thing: I miss you!

I’d love to spend more time together would have been a better approach.

But, I was still hurting and acting tough.

Looking back, I can see my negativity and insecurity.

But, at the time, I thought this was assertive.

Nope. It was control, driven by fear.

Fear that maybe he didn’t love me enough.

After pride comes, it’s ugly sister, Ego, follows.

My Ego said: he doesn’t deserve me. I can have any man I want.

It took having a conversation with a close friend for me to realize that pride and Ego were still stunting my growth.

Without hesitation, she blurted: You have pride issues, girl.

This phone conversation forced me to dig deeper into my behavior.

When I was younger, I thought my inflated Ego was a compliment to my character. To me, it meant I was a strong woman. I knew who I was and what I wanted.

Since, I’ve learned that an inflated Ego is a defense mechanism.

It’s a security gate built to keep others from hurting me.

Love makes requests.

Fear demands things.

If you want a deeper connection with your partner, learn the difference.

You know you are speaking out of fear when you become demanding. Or, start reminding them of how many other lovers you can have.

We can all have several partners if we choose. But, does that add any value to your life?

Does making that statement help bring you closer to your partner?

Instead, it creates more distance.

Everytime I complain about my husband, I decrease our level of intimacy.

In our home, we speak our desires. It is a ”no complain zone.”

Instead of saying: you’re messy, and you never clean up.

I make a loving request: I would love if the closet were cleaned this weekend.

And guess what? It gets cleaned.

If it doesn’t, oh well.

Remember, you are not your partner’s parent.

Focus on yourself and doing the things that bring you peace and joy.

You can’t control people. We struggle to control ourselves.

When I find myself being controlling, I ask myself: what’s the fear? What am I afraid of losing?

Recently, I was having a rough week, feeling lonely in a new city, and overwhelmed with my children. On top of that, Aundre had a heavier workload after an employee quit.

One night, he worked a 12-hour shift, and called to tell me that he was meeting up with a family friend and would be home later.

I wasn’t happy, and ordinarily, I would have demanded that he come home and relieve me of my stresses.

Instead, I paused and said: ok, babe, have fun.

When honestly, I didn’t care about him having fun. I wasn’t having any fun with our two hyperactive toddlers.

He needed to come home and suffer with me.

As valid as my feelings were, a negative attitude never serves us well.

And no one likes to feel controlled.

My goal is to grow closer to my husband. To achieve this, I have to do things differently than before.

So, I put on an attitude of gratitude and followed our phone conversation with an uplifting text message.

In the message, I thanked my husband for working so hard and allowing me to be home with our children. Some moms aren’t fortunate enough to do so.

I thanked him for being an excellent provider.

Then, I told him I missed him and spoke my desires.

I made a loving request for him to plan a date night for the two of us.

Immediately, Aundre called and said my message made him smile.

He revealed that he was under a lot of pressure and wasn’t feeling appreciated at work. But, said it felt good to feel valued by me.

Within an hour, my husband was home.

Complaining is just a lazy way of not communicating what you want.

My mama would always say: you can get more bees with honey than vinegar.

Meaning, you can win people more quickly by gentle persuasion and flattery than by hostile confrontation.

A better life starts with a better you.

If you are complaining about your partner, it is because you have an unmet need. Stop criticizing them and start speaking about your needs instead of their shortfalls.

Remove your hardshell and reveal your sweet and soft side, Jellybean.

Be vulnerable, value your partner, and receive the love you crave!

How to Move Past the Hurt and Love Again

“Why did she take him back?” was the resounding question after I shared my family’s reunion on social media.

The next logical question followed? “How could I possibly trust him again?”

Although I’ve always considered myself to be a bold person, I’m learning the importance, even more now, to be led by my desires, not my fears.

I desire to live happily ever after, with my husband, while keeping our family intact. So, that’s my focus.

That’s what I am manifesting.

Like you, our reconciliation came as a surprise to me as well.

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A post shared by Jordyn Taylor Dean (@joy_with_jordyn)

Aundre moved to Houston during our separation.

And when he decided to pay us a surprise visit in LA, his arrival was not welcomed.

My mom made it clear that he could not enter her home, and I had no interest in seeing him either.

I was an exhausted single mom of two babies, trying to plan my new life without him.

Still, our son missed his dad tremendously.

Although I didn’t care to see Aundre, I would never keep our children from having a relationship with him.

So, I slapped on a happy face and pretended to be excited about Aundre’s visit — for our kids.

Little did I know, his unexpected arrival was to convince me to move to Houston with him.

He rented an SUV and was ready to load up the trunk.

Annoyed by his confidence, my response was a soft laugh followed by a firm, “no thanks.”

The ego of a man, some will risk playing in the street with dirty dogs, only to find themselves wanting to go home after learning the grass isn’t always greener. Sometimes it’s greener, because it’s fake.

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Hurt with a bruised ego; I couldn’t imagine ever taking him back.

What I envisioned and sought pleasure in was having him see me happily married to husband #2. I thought that was the sweetest revenge.

But, vengeance is the Lord’s, and God has other plans for us.

After a breakup, you have to train your eyes to not see your ex, as the same person you saw before.

My husband was now a stranger to me. I avoided saying his name.

He was not the person I knew or loved.

But, after a weekend of family fun, and peace with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I started to see him as the Aundre I knew: the southern gentleman from Houston, who was passionate about family, authentic, protective, and knew how to make me laugh.

As the weekend came to an end, Aundre prepared to leave.

While putting his bags in the rental car, he began to cry, our son sobbed, and I held back my tears.

Pride and fear left me standing there with a stoic face.

Internally, I didn’t want him to leave us.

I didn’t want to raise our children without him.

I wanted my family back as much as he did. But, I was too hurt to admit it.

For months, we talked on the phone day and night.

Slowly, the conversation moved from only talking about the kids to talking about us.

We prayed together and discussed how things could be different, the second time around.

Our marriage was suffering in other areas before it finally erupted.

We lacked conflict resolution skills and didn’t know how to fight fairly.

We struggled to find time alone with a newborn, there were financial constraints, and we didn’t take the time needed to prepare for marriage.

Neither of us were ready.

Aundre proposed on a Sunday evening, and we married the next day.

We were in love, but clueless about the selflessness it takes to have a healthy marriage.

But, this time around, Aundre had a clear plan for us, and I liked it.

Slowly, my defenses dropped, and I headed to Houston.

Now, here we are: Happily married.

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We are falling back in love, learning to fight fairly and praying together.

We are forgiving each other and having patience for one another.

Getting here hasn’t been easy.

We were separated now for more than a year.

When I came back, old mistresses didn’t want to let go and made their desperate attempts, after learning about our reconciliation.

An unexpected call from an old lover can ruin all your efforts to repair your marriage, if you’re not prepared.

I wasn’t ready.

A text or phone call from an old fling would send me over the edge, and I would go into fight-or-flight mode. Still afraid of being hurt.

I didn’t trust Aundre, and I would hang his affair over his head with every argument.

That’s not loving.

I didn’t realize how destructive shaming was until we were sitting in church, and Pastor Joel Osteen gave a sermon about it.

I remember him saying:

When God speaks to you, He will always lift you. But, the enemy will shame you, accuse you and place doubt in your heart.

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I felt so convicted.

I was the accuser and fear of being betrayed again was making me the enemy.

We use shame to convince people to do better, but really, shame does just the opposite.

Your past doesn’t have to poison your future.

What’s happened in our marriage is not nearly as important as what’s happening right now.

Where God is taking us is more significant than where we have been.

To forgive, I had to let go of all the heavy baggage.

It was easier to do when I was still living in LA, and Aundre wasn’t in my face every day.

Face your fears by reprogramming your thoughts. To heal, quit replaying the bad memories and change the channel.

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The Bible says: think pure thoughts.

God will give you beauty for ashes. But, you have to let go of the ashes to get the reward. This exchange has to take place.

So, I gave my husband the gift of forgiveness — the gift of trust.

Together we are walking in faith and defusing doubt.

To get here, we had to stop comparing who hurt who more and start helping each other heal.

Healing is the purpose of this blog and the purpose of our marriage.

Our goal is to break generational curses and strongholds on our family.

A single mom raised me.

Aundre was adopted.

He’s never met his father and didn’t remember what his mother looked like until they reunited a few years ago.

Now, we have our own family and an opportunity to do things right.

Family is the greatest blessing, and it’s worth every fight.

So stay tuned as I detail the process of reconciliation, and manifesting the life that you desire.

Hopefully my transparency will offer you insight, hope, and inspiration.

The best way to improve any relationship is by improving YOURSELF.

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Never stop growing.

Look within and win my friends.

Be blessed.

Fears of Being a Single Mom Kept Me in a Toxic Marriage. Why You Shouldn’t Ignore Signs of Infidelity

By: Jordyn Taylor | Jan. 16, 2019

I told myself and others that I would keep quiet about the reality series “Growing Up Botched”

… or “Growing Up Hip Hop”

And, I deleted some ugly truths from my Instagram page, as a means to heal and move on from the pains of my past.

But, since the demise of my family is currently being aired for entertainment purposes on WE TV, I find it only fitting to use this experience as a teachable lesson to other women and/or men.

GUHH Promo Clip

What I’ve learned from this experience is to ALWAYS trust my gut, no matter what.

Energies don’t lie. 

Don’t be a fool in love like me, ladies and gentlemen. READ THE SIGNS, or it will blow up in your face, on social media, or on TV!

For days, and sometimes weeks, we drove around in his mistress’s white Range Rover.

We even went on several “date nights” using her vehicle.

Of course I questioned why his “boss” was so generous with her luxurious SUV. It doesn’t matter what excuse he used… I went along with it. 

Not long after, there were gifts being delivered to our house (Designer wallets, an Apple Watch, etc) … thanks boss!

Next, Pepa was insistent on meeting me, just so I would feel more comfortable with their “working relationship” ya know?! 

So, we had dinner at Mastro’s in Beverly Hills for my birthday, followed by VIP service at an exclusive LA nightclub.

After months of being a housewife and a stay-at-home mom, I needed a wild night of fun, and had a blast!

So, I graciously thanked the two of them online for giving this “new mom” a well deserved hangover!

Despite the “turn up” that night, I remember feeling a strange energy, but I couldn’t tell if it was the patron shots or my intuition. So, I put on a lovely smile, rejecting my concerns & standing by my man. 

Plus, after several failed attempts to kiss me, in the night club, I was convinced that “P” wanted “The P” – meow!

She was so affectionate. We held hands a few times and she kept rubbing all over me in the car, and in the club. (Sorry guys, there was no threesome, I’ve never been with a woman, and I’m not attracted to women.)

Video of me and Pepa

But, while in the car, I remember her hair and makeup artist, Troy, saying: what kind of sister wives sh*t is this? Are you going to have him and his wife?  

Huge red flag, but of course I disregarded his remarks, and blamed it all on the liquor. 

Then, there were all the business trips and awkward phone calls where she’d say: tell Jordyn I said hi! 🙄 And my deceitful husband saying, “P. really likes you, babe.”

I remember on Halloween, she called repeatedly to see what we were doing. Annoyed, I thought: we’re trick or treating with our son – like most families. Now, go get a bowl, you old witch, pass out candy to the kids… and leave my family alone! 

But the hubby defended her lonely calls – explaining that she was new to LA, didn’t have any friends & just wanted to hangout with “us”

One night, there was a text message that read: I wish you were here! 

Again, I chose to believe my hardworking husband. She was talking about him “being there” as her security guard. Silly me for thinking otherwise! 

I even accepted their narrative that she was his mentor, or like he said “an aunt” to him.

A blind man could see these were lies, yet I chose not to!

And, I can’t forget the epic request for Auntie Sandra to be our daughter’s god mother!

Our gender reveal

One evening our toddler found a wad of cash in daddy’s lunch bag.

“Where’d we get so much money honey?”

But, instead of answering the question, I was accused of snooping around. This is why he couldn’t trust me!

Deflection is sign of infidelity. It’s a tactic nearly every cheater uses. I knew this, yet still chose to stay.

Here’s the lesson: 

Don’t fight so hard to keep your family together that you close your eyes to the truth. I know walking away from your marriage/relationship is scary, especially when children are involved.

But, “til death do us part” does not mean your spouse gets to take advantage of you.

It took me a while to accept this, and to accept the fact that the family we were building was over!

I was so in love. And desperately wanted my son and daughter to have a two parent home. A family with one shared last name and united by love and happy memories together.

Family memories

But, regardless of how you imagine your life, or how “picture perfect” your family may look, it’s imperative to love yourself more. Leave if things don’t feel right, and if your partner breaks his/her commitment to the relationship. 

I feared being a single mom! That had me stuck on stupid.

But, what I once feared is now making me stronger than ever! I’m evolving as a woman, and I’m so grateful to be free from all the lies.

Single mom strong

Most importantly, I’m motivated to be a good role model for my daughter. She will grow up knowing her worth and honoring herself because her mommy is doing it now!

Super Blessed

It’s essential to be clear about who you are as a woman, before you can be a wife, a mother, a sister, or a even a good friend.

We teach people how to treat us when we decide to stay or leave.

And, while searching for answers and trying to heal from the destruction of my family, I learned that we are not seeking love when we stay in an unfaithful or unhealthy relationship, we’re seeking acceptance & validation.

If this is you, do what I did and get to the core of why you’re seeking someone’s approval! Walk away from anyone who dishonors you in any relationship.

I take full responsibility for the role I played in the downfall of my marriage. More than ever, I now know the importance of using my gut as my guide. 

I’m loving myself more by setting firmer boundaries & I’m no longer making excuses for people who hurt me. (I.e. he has trust issues, he was abused, he’s been hurt in the past.)

Take those love shades off and see people for who they are. There’s no excuse for being mistreated.

If I had loved myself more, my family would have never been on “The Wendy Williams Show” with the host mocking Salt N Pepa’s throwback song, “I’ll take yo man!” 

Wendy Williams video clip

I’m not sure if either of us were born during that era, or during Pepa’s “golden years.” But, I do know she didn’t take my man. She bought him – for about the same amount that she probably paid for her “bonus booty” and chemical peels.

It’s too bad we can’t buy wisdom with age!

Be blessed my friends. 

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