how to have a happy marriage

Have you ever been frustrated by your partner’s refusal to take accountability.

I have, and it drives me insane!

Just state the facts, is what I was trained to do as a TV journalist.

So, you can imagine how infuriating it is for me to back down when I call my husband out, and he won’t admit when he’s wrong, or conveniently can’t recall an offense.

Ironically, men are great at remembering all of your trip-ups.

They’re so painfully sensitive you would think they would have more regard for your feelings. But nope, they can’t see past their fragile souls.

Even when the evidence is clear, somehow, it’s not what it appears, or they diminish their role in the flagrant foul they have committed.

Yes, you could have been more thoughtful, more loving, more understanding, better at listening, less critical, less selfish — but who wants to admit that? Not men.

It’s easier not to.

It’s easier to make you look crazy.

He calls you crazy to avoid being accountable.

The diminishing drives me even more insane.

Frustrated with this dance, I have asked my married friends: Is it that hard for men to admit their faults?

The result was a unanimous, yes!

Personal insight is excellent, but I needed professional backing to swallow this pill.

So, I asked my good friend, Google.

Through my search, it was made clear that men are more emotional than women and can’t withstand as much pain.

So, when your husband makes a mistake or hurts you, he won’t confess because he’s more sensitive than he appears.

And, he is crippled by that male ego.

Psychologists say the reason the male species won’t “fess up” or can’t hear any criticism is because they feel awful when they have done something wrong.

Some will get angry with you for exposing their weaknesses, and others act unbothered.

Psychologist Karen Sherman, says studies indicate that at a physiological level, men don’t tolerate conflict as well as women.

They appear fine on the outside, but internally, they’re not okay.

On top of this, a dear friend of mine is a registered nurse, and she shared with me that male preemies in the neonatal unit don’t survive if they don’t receive a lot of skin to skin contact.

But, female preemies are stronger. She says they can survive without it.

So, the issue of your husband not being able to acknowledge his faults is likely not going to change. He’s a sensitive soul —with a lot of maturing to do.

What’s an empowered woman to do?

Well, the great poet Maya Angelou said:

If you can’t change something, change the way you think about it.

They’re not woman enough to stand in their truth.

Here’s my confession: I didn’t know how to be married, in the first round.

I was sometimes disrespectful with my words, and said hurtful things.

I would leave for days when things didn’t go my way and block my husband’s calls.

I’m controlling.

I like to be right, and I won’t stop until you admit that I’m right.

I have pride issues (i.e., I don’t need you, I can do this alone.)

And, growing up without a father in my home, made it hard for me to respect my husband, unconditionally. I didn’t even know what that meant, or looked like.

My mom was the boss, and she was always right.

But self-righteousness is just as toxic to a marriage as your spouse’s refusal to take accountability.

Religious leader, Hank Smith says:

Placing blame in marriage is like saying, “Your side of the boat is sinking.”

Competition is a form of separation.

Unless, you’re aiming to be single, don’t compete with you partner.

Instead, choose peace.

Marriage is an ongoing lesson in surrender, which makes it hard.

Taking the high road and submitting is annoying; sometimes, we want to feed our egos.

But, the Bible encourages us to be committed:

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”
Galatians 6:9

To stay motivated, remind yourself of your “whys.”

Your family is your “why.”

Breaking generational curses is your “why.”

Don’t play the blame game with your partner.

Finger-pointing doesn’t inspire positive change.

Instead, let your husband be drawn to you by your gentle, pure, and kind spirit.

God sees your efforts.

Every time I let go and choose love, with no strings attached, something amazing happens. The world responds to me better. I’m more impactful.

My husband softens when I soften.

And, there is no scoreboard because we are on the same team.

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When I got back with my husband, I had a plethora of demands and complaints.

You spend too much time with your friends.

You work too much.

You’re not putting our marriage first!

All of these things say one thing: I miss you!

I’d love to spend more time together would have been a better approach.

But, I was still hurting and acting tough.

Looking back, I can see my negativity and insecurity.

But, at the time, I thought this was assertive.

Nope. It was control, driven by fear.

Fear that maybe he didn’t love me enough.

After pride comes, it’s ugly sister, Ego, follows.

My Ego said: he doesn’t deserve me. I can have any man I want.

It took having a conversation with a close friend for me to realize that pride and Ego were still stunting my growth.

Without hesitation, she blurted: You have pride issues, girl.

This phone conversation forced me to dig deeper into my behavior.

When I was younger, I thought my inflated Ego was a compliment to my character. To me, it meant I was a strong woman. I knew who I was and what I wanted.

Since, I’ve learned that an inflated Ego is a defense mechanism.

It’s a security gate built to keep others from hurting me.

Love makes requests.

Fear demands things.

If you want a deeper connection with your partner, learn the difference.

You know you are speaking out of fear when you become demanding. Or, start reminding them of how many other lovers you can have.

We can all have several partners if we choose. But, does that add any value to your life?

Does making that statement help bring you closer to your partner?

Instead, it creates more distance.

Everytime I complain about my husband, I decrease our level of intimacy.

In our home, we speak our desires. It is a ”no complain zone.”

Instead of saying: you’re messy, and you never clean up.

I make a loving request: I would love if the closet were cleaned this weekend.

And guess what? It gets cleaned.

If it doesn’t, oh well.

Remember, you are not your partner’s parent.

Focus on yourself and doing the things that bring you peace and joy.

You can’t control people. We struggle to control ourselves.

When I find myself being controlling, I ask myself: what’s the fear? What am I afraid of losing?

Recently, I was having a rough week, feeling lonely in a new city, and overwhelmed with my children. On top of that, Aundre had a heavier workload after an employee quit.

One night, he worked a 12-hour shift, and called to tell me that he was meeting up with a family friend and would be home later.

I wasn’t happy, and ordinarily, I would have demanded that he come home and relieve me of my stresses.

Instead, I paused and said: ok, babe, have fun.

When honestly, I didn’t care about him having fun. I wasn’t having any fun with our two hyperactive toddlers.

He needed to come home and suffer with me.

As valid as my feelings were, a negative attitude never serves us well.

And no one likes to feel controlled.

My goal is to grow closer to my husband. To achieve this, I have to do things differently than before.

So, I put on an attitude of gratitude and followed our phone conversation with an uplifting text message.

In the message, I thanked my husband for working so hard and allowing me to be home with our children. Some moms aren’t fortunate enough to do so.

I thanked him for being an excellent provider.

Then, I told him I missed him and spoke my desires.

I made a loving request for him to plan a date night for the two of us.

Immediately, Aundre called and said my message made him smile.

He revealed that he was under a lot of pressure and wasn’t feeling appreciated at work. But, said it felt good to feel valued by me.

Within an hour, my husband was home.

Complaining is just a lazy way of not communicating what you want.

My mama would always say: you can get more bees with honey than vinegar.

Meaning, you can win people more quickly by gentle persuasion and flattery than by hostile confrontation.

A better life starts with a better you.

If you are complaining about your partner, it is because you have an unmet need. Stop criticizing them and start speaking about your needs instead of their shortfalls.

Remove your hardshell and reveal your sweet and soft side, Jellybean.

Be vulnerable, value your partner, and receive the love you crave!