How to Move Past the Hurt and Love Again

“Why did she take him back?” was the resounding question after I shared my family’s reunion on social media.

The next logical question followed? “How could I possibly trust him again?”

Although I’ve always considered myself to be a bold person, I’m learning the importance, even more now, to be led by my desires, not my fears.

I desire to live happily ever after, with my husband, while keeping our family intact. So, that’s my focus.

That’s what I am manifesting.

Like you, our reconciliation came as a surprise to me as well.

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#TheResurrection 🙌🏾 Every flower must grow through dirt. Trust God and bloom where you’re planted. He is risen! #HappyEaster #WhatAGod

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Aundre moved to Houston during our separation.

And when he decided to pay us a surprise visit in LA, his arrival was not welcomed.

My mom made it clear that he could not enter her home, and I had no interest in seeing him either.

I was an exhausted single mom of two babies, trying to plan my new life without him.

Still, our son missed his dad tremendously.

Although I didn’t care to see Aundre, I would never keep our children from having a relationship with him.

So, I slapped on a happy face and pretended to be excited about Aundre’s visit — for our kids.

Little did I know, his unexpected arrival was to convince me to move to Houston with him.

He rented an SUV and was ready to load up the trunk.

Annoyed by his confidence, my response was a soft laugh followed by a firm, “no thanks.”

The ego of a man, some will risk playing in the street with dirty dogs, only to find themselves wanting to go home after learning the grass isn’t always greener. Sometimes it’s greener, because it’s fake.

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Hurt with a bruised ego; I couldn’t imagine ever taking him back.

What I envisioned and sought pleasure in was having him see me happily married to husband #2. I thought that was the sweetest revenge.

But, vengeance is the Lord’s, and God has other plans for us.

After a breakup, you have to train your eyes to not see your ex, as the same person you saw before.

My husband was now a stranger to me. I avoided saying his name.

He was not the person I knew or loved.

But, after a weekend of family fun, and peace with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I started to see him as the Aundre I knew: the southern gentleman from Houston, who was passionate about family, authentic, protective, and knew how to make me laugh.

As the weekend came to an end, Aundre prepared to leave.

While putting his bags in the rental car, he began to cry, our son sobbed, and I held back my tears.

Pride and fear left me standing there with a stoic face.

Internally, I didn’t want him to leave us.

I didn’t want to raise our children without him.

I wanted my family back as much as he did. But, I was too hurt to admit it.

For months, we talked on the phone day and night.

Slowly, the conversation moved from only talking about the kids to talking about us.

We prayed together and discussed how things could be different, the second time around.

Our marriage was suffering in other areas before it finally erupted.

We lacked conflict resolution skills and didn’t know how to fight fairly.

We struggled to find time alone with a newborn, there were financial constraints, and we didn’t take the time needed to prepare for marriage.

Neither of us were ready.

Aundre proposed on a Sunday evening, and we married the next day.

We were in love, but clueless about the selflessness it takes to have a healthy marriage.

But, this time around, Aundre had a clear plan for us, and I liked it.

Slowly, my defenses dropped, and I headed to Houston.

Now, here we are: Happily married.

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We are falling back in love, learning to fight fairly and praying together.

We are forgiving each other and having patience for one another.

Getting here hasn’t been easy.

We were separated now for more than a year.

When I came back, old mistresses didn’t want to let go and made their desperate attempts, after learning about our reconciliation.

An unexpected call from an old lover can ruin all your efforts to repair your marriage, if you’re not prepared.

I wasn’t ready.

A text or phone call from an old fling would send me over the edge, and I would go into fight-or-flight mode. Still afraid of being hurt.

I didn’t trust Aundre, and I would hang his affair over his head with every argument.

That’s not loving.

I didn’t realize how destructive shaming was until we were sitting in church, and Pastor Joel Osteen gave a sermon about it.

I remember him saying:

When God speaks to you, He will always lift you. But, the enemy will shame you, accuse you and place doubt in your heart.

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I felt so convicted.

I was the accuser and fear of being betrayed again was making me the enemy.

We use shame to convince people to do better, but really, shame does just the opposite.

Your past doesn’t have to poison your future.

What’s happened in our marriage is not nearly as important as what’s happening right now.

Where God is taking us is more significant than where we have been.

To forgive, I had to let go of all the heavy baggage.

It was easier to do when I was still living in LA, and Aundre wasn’t in my face every day.

Face your fears by reprogramming your thoughts. To heal, quit replaying the bad memories and change the channel.

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The Bible says: think pure thoughts.

God will give you beauty for ashes. But, you have to let go of the ashes to get the reward. This exchange has to take place.

So, I gave my husband the gift of forgiveness — the gift of trust.

Together we are walking in faith and defusing doubt.

To get here, we had to stop comparing who hurt who more and start helping each other heal.

Healing is the purpose of this blog and the purpose of our marriage.

Our goal is to break generational curses and strongholds on our family.

A single mom raised me.

Aundre was adopted.

He’s never met his father and didn’t remember what his mother looked like until they reunited a few years ago.

Now, we have our own family and an opportunity to do things right.

Family is the greatest blessing, and it’s worth every fight.

So stay tuned as I detail the process of reconciliation, and manifesting the life that you desire.

Hopefully my transparency will offer you insight, hope, and inspiration.

The best way to improve any relationship is by improving YOURSELF.

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Never stop growing.

Look within and win my friends.

Be blessed.